~leaving or not leaving??~

i've been thinking about starting blogging once again. i had failed to do so last year and i hope at this point of time, it will not be too late too start a new chapter in my life as i did start a new one a couple of weeks ago..so, i'm thinking of leaving this blog with all its histories behind and start a new one in another blog..i'm thinking of wordpress. i will leave the new blog address soon..so wait for me..

~anxiety~

anxiety has filled my life even in simplest as what to eat for breakfast.. i have worries and these worries won't disappear until the big day..pray that i will have the strength to overcome these anxieties and be strong in every day of my life. 

~i have to do it all~

~just because i am new to the system, doesn't mean that i don't have to do it..now, i realize, teaching is only the tip of the iceberg. lotsa things have to be done by the teacher so as to call it 'TEACHER". it is so stressful at first because i had no ideas on what was i supposed to do. imagine, on the first day itself, i had allllllllllll my posts:

• the class teacher for Year 1G.
• the vice secretary for SMM.
• The new pentaksir sekolah.
• The new advisor of the English Club.
• n more to come...

i had to 'babysit' all the Year 1 students from the very first day and i cried at that instance knowing that i don't like small kids. but, what options did i have at that time. surrender or never give up. i chose the later one coz, i ain't a quitter.. but now, because i ain't a quitter, i have to do it all...........

Until then, finger crossed and hope for the best,

Sufyana.

~action song~

~huhu..despite all the sad things that i've felt for these couples of weeks, i actually have something that is very fun to do with or should i say work on with..my new task as a new member of the English Department is to find 15 students who will be representing the school  to the Zone level for Action Song.. i heard bout this action song for quite a few time from my beloved mother.so i was not that shocked when they gave me this new job. i know what i have to do, n i promise, i will do it with my very best..i will do my very best and win the competition.if i win, this will be a huge present for me as a beginning teacher. apart from that, my name will also be known in the Pontian, and this will help me in the process of 'pengesahan jawatan'..~

Until then, fingers crossed and hope for the best,

Sufyana

~~What are you to me?~~

~u r never there for me..never there to dry up my tears..never there to make me smile..never there to comfort me when i am down..so, what are u to me?

~is this for real~

haih..i woke up early this morning just to call u.but even after 2 hours u still did not pick up my phone..why u did this to me?aren't you happy i'm going to see u?why didn't you tell me the truth?i'm going to try to reach u again this evening.hope you won't disappoint me this time. even i am not in love with you, i still want to meet u..because u r my future..please..please pick up the phne..

p/s: i didn't know why i pressed the strikethrough button..that's why my entry this time looks like this..guess, it was my silly mistake then.hahahha

~finding rocks~

aiyoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo..it's so exhausting..even when i did not go anywhere to find the rocks..it is sooooooooo hard to pull the rocks out and now, my back is aching..i have not done it yet but i told my ma, i want to take a rest..just for a few minutes..guess i will be long after all..our new compound has sooooooo many rocks that my ma just refuse to go to the nearby waterfall to collect the rocks..she says, why waste so much energy and petrol if you have it in your own backyard..emm..guess i would not have the chance to go to the waterfall la.........hehhehe..=) tiring but i enjoy it very much.

Love,

Sufyana

~chipsmore~

i love chipsmore.

i miss chipsmore.

i want to go out with my chipsmore.

i want to hold his hands.

i want to eat with him.

i want to laugh with him.

i want to be near him.

i want to see him..ALWAYS..ALL THE TIME.

I WANT HIM.

~Happy 29th Anniversary~

Happy 29th Anniversary to my mother and father. i love u both the most..i'm happy that our family is still strong until now..i'm grateful i was born to this family. even though we have our shortcomings, we still survive it and still be together.. i love you and God blesses both of you and our family..i'm hoping that one day, my children will wish the same thing for me and Chipsmore..

Fingers crossed and hope for the best,

Sufyana.

~hahahha..my mom just don't want to listen~

heheheh..it's very difficult to talk to my mom about the IT thingy..she just won't believe what i tell her.hahahha..just now, she asked me if i could help her with her Excel. i said," i'll try my best". hahahha.. i told her to highlight all the items and press the CTRl and C buttons. but she did not listen to me and kept arguing with me. her reason was, she was afraid that i would ruin all the info and made her to start typing the data all over again..but hey, i'm quite good with computer..hahahhaha..i told her, "mama, biar opie buat,,mama ni slow la"...hahahha..statement anak derhaka tu..hahhaha..but, my intention was good and i just wanted to help her with her work.so that she could have done with it and chat to me..hoho..selfish thought..but, i only have few days left before i go to Johore..that's sucks..emmm..=(

Until the, fingers crossed and hope for the best,

Sufyana.

~Twitter~

i'm trying for the third time to log in to my Twitter account but all i get just the same results. the session is temporarily disconnected....oooooooooooooiiiiiiiiiiiiii..tension.tension.. with the good internet connection, i want to update all my webby thingy..hehhehe..so that, when i'm away, people who miss me can still read something about me..hahahhaha..perasan..

Finger crossed and hope for the best,

Sufyana

~posting~

emm..i'm not so happy about my posting..it's sooooooo far away and i did not even mention the state in my posting form..i'm not sure what my future teaching will be but i am definitely certain about my not-going-to-stay-there policy. i have nothing against the state but my heart just doesn't belong there. i want to teach in the northern states. not necessarily near my homes but i guess i like it much more here..emm..sad beginning for the year 2010 and i'm sure i will have to face more difficulties as the year unfolds.. ok, about my posting, i will be teaching in Johore for next year and maybe the year after next year or maybe just as long as i'm in the system. Whereabout in Johore is still unconfirmed and i need to call JPN Johore tomorrow for the details. so, hope that i will be posted to the school which has easy access to public transports and shops..hehhehe

and until the, finger crossed and hope for the best,

sufyana

~Graduation vs. Reception~

emm..i'm in dillema..i don't know what to choose between the twos..i want to be greedy but i certainly can't.what do i have to do..the discussion that i had with my fiance a few days ago sent me back to my dillema. i have to make my decision and choose between the twos. so much complication arises as we both have lots of issues to tackle before we can be ONE. i have to think definitely about MONEY and he has to think about two most important thing, MONEY and the AVAILABILITY OF THE DATE (for sword barrel, kenduri n etc. etc.)..now, i don't really know what matters the most to me..me standing on in front of everyone else receive my degree or me also standing in front of every one else, in my white dress...oh GOD...please help me..let me see what are Your installment for me next year so that i don't have to worry on those unnecessary things..

Fingers crossed and hope for the best,

Sufyana

~new sanctuary~

i' updating this blog at my new home.feel glad because the internet connection that we have here is soooooooooooooo much better than we have in Gurun..hahhaha..now, i have lots of reasons to follow my family here. even though i don't really do any work that can help my father or my lil brother, still the fact that we are together in this new home makes me smile endlessly..even though my fiance is currently disconnected with me, i am happy because i am with my family..this is a new sanctuary for me and i'm glad i can be here..

i am back..for now..i guess

hi all..i am not sure what to write at this point of time coz i have nothing in my mind right now..i'm thinking about my lunch.about my weight and seriously nothing important in particular. i tried to gear down my thoughts as a new teacher to be, but i just failed to do so. maybe i am not ready to face the reality yet. I AM NOT READY TO BE A TEACHER.not yet.but what am i going to do..i have to serve at least 4 years before i can start cracking my brain on what i want to do with my life. now, i am enjoying my life as a student. doing things that only matter to me and taking all the pleasure to myself. that is all for now..i am thinking of doing major changes to my image next year and they include this blog as well.maybe i shpould change the title, the layout, or even my writing style.not sure yet but hopefully i will get it done before the end of this year so that the next year will all be new and fresh..

why am I still here?

::what's wrong with that face?::

what's wrong with that face???

the one thing that causes so much troubles..so much heartbreak.sheds too many tears..causes so many insomniac to me..emm..

because..HE IS AZROL LOOK-ALIKE..

how painful life can be when the one person that you once loved the most in the world appears in front of your own eyes when you really really want to "erase" him from your memory.
how cruel life can be when you see the look-alike is going out with someone else...you know it is none of your business but still seeing the face tears your heart apart..
i don't want to see your face ever again.not even your look-alike..i don't want anything to do with him..with you..or everything revolves around you..

huhu..it is okay..another 2 months left..then..i'll be busy with my new school. then, i'll be posted in -don't-know-where..

but it's okay...new atmosphere...new surrounding...new heart...new life...

how i wish...

how i wish...

• i don't have to feel the heartbreak.
• i don't know him from the beginning of my blossoming teenage years.
• i don't know how was it feel to be loved and love someone else.
• i don't even know his phone number.
• i don't even meet him in the first place..
• i don't know chipsmore.
• i don't even get attached with him.
• i don't know his history.
• i don't know his ex-es
• i don't add them in my friendster.
• i don't feel the insecurity.
• i don't feel like i'm not good enough to be with him.
• i don't feel less beauty than she is.
• i don't have to seek assuring words from my friends saying i'm a lot better than she is even though i know, deep down, what matters the most is how he feels towards me. what he thinks of me..
• I DON'T HAVE TO BE THE SECOND BEST IN HIS LIFE. ='(

lotsa crying done..em not sure what will be happening next..i'm trying to emotionally detach myself from him..trying not to develop any more feeling..let the feeling stay as it is now..=(

::promises::

memm..several promises have been made by myself early on this year..so far, still not able to keep those promises fully..i mean sometimes rsa cam dh tunaikan, but at times i really feel i go against the promises..humm..

1. nk diet..tp bukanla xmkan..just xnk mkn nsi mlam2..
2.xnk call azrol lg..but the last time i called him, i asked him for my money back..and so..i broke the promises i made with my mom


a. not to remember him ever again.
b. not to call him even if i have to die alone in my bed.hahahha..exagerating...i know..tp sje je nk kasi lebih umppphhhh..hahhaha..


3. nk publish one entry at least per day..tp tula.tgkla..bulan 5 bru start nk bt blog..umm..cmne?fail x?
4.rsa bersyukur n bhagia setiap hari yg aku lalui xkra with or without love..kna prepare for the worst..but alhamdulillah, now, ada chipsmore, i can breathe easy one more time..huhu..
5. nk bt asignmnt awl sbb xnk rush..so blh rehat..but so far, until the very last assignment i still did the last minute work..and, so far xtau lg result dia cmne..aihhhh..prepare2..
6. xnk boros..n this is the promise that i wont be able to keep until forever i guess..aaaaaaaaaaaaa..cmne..duet sudaaaa tiada...=(....hahhahahha..pdan muka..

that's all..mlas nk tlis dh..tkar sejdah dh terbentang..tp aku dok blogging plak..em.gtg

missing chipsmore..=(

happy mother's day..

mama.. i love you..
thanx for everything that you've done to me..
love you..love you..love you..
love you more than anything in this world..
mmmuuuaaaxxxxxxx..=)