it's been a day

wouushhhhh..it's only a day..i thought it's been a week..maybe, at my stage, a day equals to a week..so far, during daylight, i dun have any problem in reassuring myself that i'm gonna be okay..em..the problem lies with night time...it's been a hell of time for me now..i'm trying to control myself from contacting him. and only God knows, how long can i control myself and how can i control myself..it's just to hard for me not to contact him..but i know, if i don't contact him, the chances he meets with someone new is larger and maybe it will be good for him and also myself if that situation happens..he gets to know other girls other than myself..n i get to know what my real feeling for him too..if he happens to have somebody new, maybe it's a good sign that he isn't just made for me..and if i were to have somebody new, mybe it will be the sign for him that he is better off with a girl like me by his side..so after all, i guess this separation is a good time for both of us to learn things about ourselves..i hope he understand it..and i hope, after all the rationalization that i have made here, i will be strong too..please!!!

it's all been said and done..

emm..after all the time that i've been through thinking and rationalizing my actions to be, i've finally done it..not that i feel i've done something good, but i guess after all it is for him..i finally give him the chance to re-look at myself and also this r/ship. and as for myself, i am still in the bridge of deciding whether to call this decision as the biggest sacrifice i've ever made until this point of time or whether i should call it the biggest n foolish mistake that i've ever done in my entire life..i'm still deciding..

i know for myself that, night time will be the hardest time in my life now..even if i use the largest rationalize thinking or self-assurance, i will fail to compose myself..but i believe, it's just a matter of time, till i find this crying-weeping-regretting- regime as my new routine and habit..


it's so hard to own-up the decision that i've made. i know, there will be no turning back for me..i've to be strong bcoz, after all i'm the one who make that decision.and for him, i wish all the best..and for myself, i hope i can learn something out of this decision.

::Cruel To Be Kind::

have you heard about this phrase??um.recently, i have heard enough of this phrase..everywhere i go it seems to me that i will meet with this phrase..i've done some thinking n i thought maybe it is a sign that i should be doing the same..emm..maybe i am a bitch but not to the persons who are dear to my heart..i guess after all i'm just a bitch-to-be.hahhaha...


..i've been thinking about this matter not only tomorrow or last week but i guess it's all over my mind since 3 months ago..i've been thinking of being fair to this person (A) who is so nice n good to me..not that i don't like A, but i feel A deserves someone better as i do not feel as much as what A feels towards me. so, i want to set the record straight..no more injustice being done to other human being because of my selfishness..but, just to think about doing it, it reaps my heart badly as i know, if i am the one who calls and put an end to this relationship..it's not fair because i guess i am the one who builts it. it's built almost four years ago in the basic of using A in order to forget somebody else.it's not fair to A as i am the one who should be responsible in making this r/ship works but at the end, i am the one who wants to withdrawn from it..not that i don't love him, but i finally know that i love him and i just realise that i am being cruel to him for letting him believe that i love him all along since 4 years ago..i just love him last year. .but this year i'm starting to feel that he wasn't the one for me.n most importantly, i don't deserve to be with him. A can find a much much much better girl than me if i give him the opportunity to do so..


so the problem is now, that i have the realisation, it's so hard for me to tell him that i want to end the r/ship..i know he will be hurt if i say this to him n i know the way that karma thingy works...humm..so i guess, for this matter it will be better if he is the one who hurts my feeling. he is the one who cheats on me.he is the one who turns his back on me. n seriously speaking, i prefer to be the suffering one. i guess, maybe it will only be fair, if i am the one who feels the pain because after all, i'm the bad one..

so, at this point of time, i really do not know what to do..i love him but i cannot lie to him anymore. i should set him free n if there is a word called 'jodoh' between the two of us, then the two of us, should really be together whenever or wherever we are destined to..so, for now, i don't know!!!!!!!!!!should i be cruel to be kind????

bye..muacksssssss

::HARI YANG B**I::

emm..aku bgun seperti biasa..emm not really..arini, ada semangat bru nk mulakan ari dgn bnda2 yg baik..so aku bgun awl la..bgn solat subuh..sebelum ni ya Allah..liat betul nk bgun..rsa nya kalu pecah handphone tu berbunyi alarm clock pun blum tentu aku boleh bgun..cam org kta xde motivasi gitewwwwwwww...so hrusla xbgun..Ya Allah..ampunilah aku YA Allah..=)..humm..so pendek cite, aku bgunla..berkobar2 nk bt baik arini..arini xnk dh mngata2 org..xnk dh umpat keji pn. pantt..bnyakla azam bru ak..humm..tp itu sume azam okessssssss...xde stu yg berkesan pun..

ok, ak start g klas cam besa..tp awal la kali ni..as usual..petanda pertama yg menunjukkan ari aku bakal menjadi hampeh ialah bila aku smpai kelas n dgr org tnya psal task yg Jo bg..ok,org2 rumah kt West End ni bnyak plak idealogies nye psal task ini..bnyak org mempunyai pndgan berbeza trhdap task ini termasukla aku..aku ingat Jo minta bt 1 PAGE pndgan kta terhadap ideas presented in that particular reading..Fat plak, as usual, ignorant cam aku jgk, ingat Jo srh bt SUMMARY n the last one school of Aim..Aim plak ckap Jo srh bt ONE PARA REASONS why we should buy that journal..so, kt sini, nmpak sgtla dlam stu kelas itu ada yg belajar n ada yg x..memula, aku yakinla, aku yg belajar sbbnya, kunun, last week ak tumpu perhatian giteww.......hahhahaha..yakin diri adalah harus..hahhaha..sehinggalah aku smpai kelas n org pun ckap psal task ni..so bila dgr bebaik, ternyata AIM YG BETUL!!!!.hahhahaha..tnpa membuang msa, hrusla aku malu..giat okes..bt one page..padahal dia nk 1 para je..oo God..lg stu, aku kn suka bergaduh skit ngan Aim, hruslah aku malu trhadap kekalahan ini..n Aim tnpa membuang msa berkata "KAN AKU DH HABAQ, HAMPA XMAU PERCAYA"..so, terkalah la aku disitu....

n kekalahan itu xberakhir disitu..arini, cam biasa, aku pkai la bju bunga2 kecik aku..dgn BELT okes...aku beli belt itu dr MElbourne..so, cam rsa kalu xpkai rugila..bukan senang kan..humm..tp apabila si Hidayah ni buka mulut psal babi, aku pun dh gabra..emm xkot..belt aku okesss je..tp dgn pntasnya dayah nk bgi cnth n trus tgk belt aku...n from her face, ak dh tau belt itu babi........sentap aku..tp dgn rsa tidak boleh trimanya, aku pun ckap.."emm..xpela beh, dh pkai, pkai dh..biaq jela..lgpun kalu ak bukak, nmpak cam org mengandung plak"..ye aku tau, itu tdak bgus..itu jahil namanya..tp mcm mna????emm..terpksa la aku mnjadi gembala babi itu (term ini dtgnya dri FAT)...seari okes, pinggang aku berbalut dgn babi..hahhaha..tp at this point of time, ak dh samak dh la...

n seperti biasa, klas2 yg aku g sume pun terasa buhsan..tmbh2 lg, klas media..xthan okes..mta aku mmg brat time tu..aku pun xpsti, syaitan tu dh obese yg thap apa..mmg nk buka mta tu memerlukan stu tenaga yg kuat..ngantukkkkkkkkkkk...putus asa aku..n seperti biasa..adalah manusia keji..mirmo, mambo n stu lgi apa ek???mamu ke??mulu???eh..apa ntah yg pasti keli a.k.a JOBM la.....memula dh pggl aku gembala babi n dh2 tu ada plak yg keji ckap aku kentut dlam kelas..ya Allah..sumpah, aku xkentut okes..kalu x dh lma terberak ni..xde msanya nk tulis2 blog ini.tp yg pasti org yg ckap itu KEJI..hahahhaha...

pstu, adegan semasa di dalam bas...bas itu lambat dn harusla aku n rkan2 lain kena berdiri..so, ksut gedixs ini tdak plak mencengkam lantai bas itu n terhoyong-hayangla aku di situ..n hapir nk jtuh..tp papepun, maintain..xjtuh..cuma cam rumput je..bas belok, aku pun belok la..tp over belok..hahahhaha..papepun slmat smpai umah...

mmm..apa lg ek???xde dh kot..tu jela kot..rsa seperti single plak skang ni.hahhahaha..saiko..sya saiko..sy tau sya saiko..gdnite..

muackkssssssss!!!!

::words, phrases n sentences that bring meaning to my life as they tell the stories of my life::

1. i've been starting to doubt myself..not hugely, bcoz there haven't been mny men that i am interested in, but i do hve the tendency to fall for the ones who will nver be intrsted in me n ones that fall for my charms are gnerally pretty revolting.hahaha..it's true..it happens to me..
2. she has enough self-confidence (or whateva u might call it) to say: "this is who i am..take it or leave it"..aihh. i really hope i can be like that..no matter what i do, i will always think about the other person. regardless whether they are friends , just friends or my one..i constantly try to fit myself in, so that the other person will not be feeling that they are left out..aihh..i don't know.
3. after spending so any years chasing men, i now realize that it's better not to call them. EVER.if you can possibly help it. and that includes calling them back n seriously speaking, i'm really bad at that one...hehehe..it's quite true for myself..even after i seriously vow that i don't wnt to talk to him or at the very least i don't want to chat or see his face gain, i just can't do that.. that's my problem. i know.aihh..recently, i have erased his number from my phone in the false hope tht i will not contact him ever again..but seriously what was i thinking??/i still have his email..ooooooo GOD!!!it's so complicated!!!
4. the advantages of being single. when you're busy socializing and meeting men, it's the best thing in the world and you would not want any other way than being single..but,when all ur single girlfriends suddenly seem to hve their own boyfriends n you're the one who is still be on your own, being single will be as miserable as a sin.. don't tell me you have not ever felt this way...coz if you are, u are being ridiculously-try-to-be-happy-even-when-u-r- not...hehhehe..i'm just saying this out of my personal experience..yep..it's true.one of my reason for not being single is because i don't want to be lonely.n it is also the reason why i still holding on to the relationship which is ready to fall, crash and burn..aihh..i know it's not fair..but i chose to believe it..i don't want to not to believe it..so, that's how i can tell what my love life is..
5. you have to give evry relationship ur all because, if u r going to get hurt, u r going to get hurt, but at least at the end u know that u gave it ur best shot..i'm not sure how true can this be..as for myself..i prefer to do the least.. yes, i know, i'm not being quite a brave here but i choose the way that will not get myself badly hurt.. i prefer to be hurt not badly hurt..i don't know, maybe it's my weakness that i don't seem to care to give my relationship my all, but i have the concrete reason for not doing it.because, if i give my all, what will be left for myself if i ever face the break-up thingy..i'm being selfish here..i know

i think that's all for now..will continue later..still have work to do..ishhhhhhhhh..at the moment.my internet is being so ridiculously very unhelpful towards me, so, hapdet itu adalah sedikit mustahil..hehhehe..sorry..

bye bye..muackkkkksssss